Early 2017 I found myself trying desperately hard to stay relevant.
Relevant to my old friends.
Relevant to my family.
Relevant to my old life.
Half of me so badly wanted to be wanted by this group of people and this lifestyle. I wanted to chase my dreams but I wanted them in my corner while I did so. I wanted to so badly be accepted into this world, this life that was never mine to begin with.
I could wear the clothes, talk the talk and play the part. I could be there when everyone needed me and reach out a thousand times. The fact of the matter is, unrequited love is real in more than just romance.
This however, was not unrequited love.
It was my insecurities and need for others to make me feel worthy. I think it became harder as I aged because somehow, someway they all left me behind but moved on together, It sucked. It most definitely hindered my self esteem for soemtime, it makes you wonder how all of these people could stay friends/family but somehow you don’t make the cut.
Was it the money ?
My appearance ?
Why was I So disposable ?
I then looked at the people I aim to emmulate or learn from in life, I looked at their struggles and their successes. Some had EVERYONE rooting them on and others had no one.
It hit me then that I was being lazy and selfish.
I lived my life as if loving people and having genuine interest was enough to expect the same back. It’s not.
Loving yourself, and giving yourself worth warrants support.
And how dare I give up on my dreams and goals simply because I let a life I never had deem me inadequate ?
It was then somewhere between I want it, I need to work for it and I got it, that I started to change gears. I decided that I didn’t need to cut anyone out but I didn’t need to chase either. I needed to pursue the life I wanted while living the one I actually have.
Alone. Or not.
Tides will change, friends will come and go. Fortunately or unfortunately I simply cannot stop loving anyone I once did but I have stopped needing them to love me back (… Or at least I’m working on it).
With the New Year upon us, I think the following things;
1. Your time has value
2. Your effort has value
3. Your love has value
4. You have value.
But you are only as valuable as YOU deem yourself to be. Not anyone else.
It is hard to watch people you care about embark on milestones and proceed in life without you, it is even harder to allow yourself to stop trying because of it. So don’t.
Work towards being your best self, and continuing to give that person to other people and don’t get caught up in staying relevant, get caught up in being yourself. Chase dreams not people.
Dont’t be afraid to do it alone, you only need your own permission.